Confounding Queries for Conservatives & Christians.
November 15th, 2007 by Tyler
It’s a shame, really, how people of the same religious or political ilk are always glomped together in the same geographic areas, or run in the same circles. You rarely, if ever, get to have an honest exchange of ideas or ask hard questions of people that think nothing like you. Because of this, we’re left sniping behind each others back on talk radio or with our friends like a buncha junior high girls.
Still, it’s probably for the best. Our political and spiritual opinions are zealously guarded, to try and convince people to another way of thinking usually pretty fruitless. Logic’s got nothing to do with dearly held beliefs, or the world would make a lot more sense.
(from How to Talk To Your Child About the Next Gay Republican Sex Scandal
BY JOHN CALENDO)
In the wake of the next gay right-wing sex scandal, your child will have many questions. They will hear things at school and from the television that will trouble them. You can save them a lot of confusion if you speak to them now during this brief respite between arrests and indiscretions. Sit your child down in a safe and non-threatening space — a beautiful hillside gold with autumn leaves will do — and then in a calm, reassuring voice touch on the following points:
1. When Two Men Fall in Love …
When two men fall in love, little Johnny or Jane, they sometimes meet in men’s rooms and, entering the last two stalls at the farthest end of the lavatory so they won’t bother anyone or be bothered, they enjoy the warmth of each other’s company.
When one of these men is not really in love but is a policemen whose job it is to prevent the sharing of warmth and good feeling between two men, then the other man is arrested. This is called entrapment, and though it has questionable legality, they do this in places run by our friends the neo-conservatives.
Now you’re wondering why people who love the Constitution so much would want to do something not quite in keeping with the Bill of Rights. Neo-cons, you see, hate taxes. They hate taxes so much that they have no money to pay the Fireman and the Policeman and the Mailman. So they entrap people and say they will put their names in the newspaper unless the people pay them money. And those fees and fines go to run the city and light the streetlamps and fix the roads.
And that’s why Dad can afford to send you to a nice school and pay the doctor out of his own pocket and still drive an SUV and run the computer all night when he downloads his pictures. It’s all good, little one. The two men who fall in love in the bathroom are part of God’s plan because God loves all the children and wants the mail to be delivered.
2. What is a Gay Neo-Conservative, Daddy?
Gay neo-cons are one of the strangest mysteries in the universe, little Johnny, lovely Jane. And scientists are not quite sure why they exist.
You know that comedian that Daddy likes, Bill Maher, he was on that talk show with the funny-looking guy in the suspenders. And the funny-looking guy — Larry King — was surprised to hear that Ken Mehlman was secretly gay because Ken Mehlman was one of these big Republican Committee people in charge of getting other Republicans elected and helping to scare voters about gay men sharing warmth and good feelings with each other in a civil marriage and not just in bathrooms. And at first Larry didn’t believe it and he asked Bill how that could be, a Republican being a gay man, and ol’ Bill shot right back : “Because Larry, hating yourself is the greatest love of all.” That’s the closest to a scientific theory I ever heard, Sunshine.
Most gay neo-conservatives are in the closet, which means they don’t want anyone to know they’re gay.
Those are the ones you will read about in the newspapers because they will be the ones who get caught doing things in public places that they have tried to make crimes in private places.
They believe to be a gay person in public — what they call out — is a sin and they’re always very religious about sending other people to hell for what they call the “homosexual lifestyle”. So when they fall out of the closet into the public spotlight, they get hit with their own laws and judgments, and they get hit harder than most people. Crazy, huh?
3.What is the Difference Between A Gay Neo-Conservative Who is In the Closet and One Who is Out?
No difference whatsoever, Pumpkin.
4. Can a Gay Neo-Conservative Be Married to a Lady?
Yes, and most gay neo-cons are! Do you know how you sometimes play make-believe? Well, gay neo-conservatives play make-believe all their lives. They have make-believe wives and best friends that are often more than friends.
They wear little flag pins and carry little prayer books on the way in and out of church. They love this country and would defend her too if they didn’t have other priorities and got five draft deferments so they could stay in college.
But they support the troops, they call them our brave men and women and wipe a tear from their eye when they think of them. They just don’t support them enough to raise taxes and buy them good armour or safe vehicles or hospital after-care when they come back all shot up and screwed up in their heads from extended tours of duty Fighting for Freedom, which the gay neo-cons would love to do also … but, well, it’s those darn other priorities. Like running businesses that make big profits from keeping the war going. But Patriotism and God and the Family — those are the things they love and believe in and vote for … but you know, Johnny, you know, Jane, a lot of that is make-believe too.
5. Is There Any Cure for Their Lifestyle?
Many people claim there are reparative therapies. Some say that a full-hearted acceptance of Jesus will work the miracle. But the medical community takes a dim view of this and says these efforts tend to damage people. The gay neo-conservative seems to be born that way. Neo-conservatism may be a sort of misfiring family gene, passed blindly from one generation to another. There is no known cure for it.
6. Why do Gay Neo-Conservatives Have Sex in Bathrooms?
Because they want to meet married men — other married men like themselves, who aren’t gay but are. Then they can flash their wedding rings to each other under the stall and that gets them all warm and happy inside and the warmth is ready to pour out if they can find a hole in the wall, or one of them is young enough to slip part of himself under the stall without breaking his hip. It’s a love jones, sweet child.
Gay neo-cons go to bathrooms because they want to meet a man but not a gay one who might want to get married and adopt mixed-race children with them. And the funny thing is most of the men they meet in the bathroom are gay men! But everybody pretends they’re not because if they didn’t they might start asking themselves questions and doubting their lives and want to live in the open outside of the bathroom.
And that would be very bad, Johnny or Jane. Do you know why? Because then they might think they were citizens and had the right to live with each other with full civil rights and then they’d get married, and their gay marriage would hurt all the other Mommies and Daddies, especially the Mommies married to gay Republicans.
So the next time you see one of those huffy gay neo-conservatives getting arrested and being made to do the perp walk on camera, be joyful. If neo-cons didn’t have gay sex in bathrooms, Santa wouldn’t be able to find our house anymore and the mailman would stop delivering the mail.
…Yet another cool toon, Congrats! Too bad far too many folks cannot even think straight when politicians minimize “spin”…
As to your comments…true, folks hold fast to their beliefs. For all to many it’s all they truly have and mostly all they’ve ever known. I don’t think it’s about changing someone’s mind. What can be more lasting is showing an example to adopt. Ya know, the whole “be the change ya wanna see in the world..” thing. It does work. I’ve lived in the American Deep South (legendary for intolerance) for a long time and seen this work time and time again. A smile and a genuine spirit is quite an effective way of disarming someone that holds fast to their beliefs and doesn’t have much willingness or ability to look at things openly and with an accepting eye.
Back a few years ago when I worked at a homeless shelter in GA (American Deep South baby!) we’d have many volunteers come in from a variety of religious/political backgrounds to help prepare and serve dinner for the residents. That means it was just them and I working together to cook up a yummy meal for everyone. Certainly Unitarian and other open minded groups were a joy and a cake walk to work with but others were quite trying at times to say the least. Attitudes and expectations aside, sometimes getting past long bred intolerant personalities was enough! Apart from this I found time and time again it was these foks that ended up being most touched by the experience in general. To add that I, an out gayman held down the shelter alone throughout the night certainly challenged a lot of their stereotypes and preconceived notions about gaymen. I guess my amazing culinary skills served against this, eh?
All kidding aside…
I guess what I’m really trying to get at is this: folks drift towards what they feel good about and what makes sense to them. For many it’s easier to look backwards so to speak… A lot of folks do not open themselves up to such opportunites to benefit from experiencing other ideas, ways of being and so forth… Or on the other hand, for that matter, create them for others. This is why one has to create such opportuniites. Ya know where a geographic area of intolerance is? Go! Be the change ya want in the world, ya know? It truly does work…
Thanks for redirecting my attention towards both the mind maddening ways of “spin” through your cartoon and via your comments stirring up memories of creating opportunities for folks to expand their preconcieved notions, if not all out let them go…
PS: Why didya think I agreed to go and work for the Catholic Church!? HA!HA!HA! ;}
Be well!
These ARE yours…I see your name!!!
Omigod, Tyler! Did I even know you were an illustrator?